If I can be honest, today is not a good day for me. Not at all. I had my plans for the day and took some time to casually scroll social media. Man, I got more than I bargained for this morning. I quickly became emotional, wiping salty tears from my cheeks as I saw a post from one of your good friends. He’d posted a song and it was about you. How you’re gone too soon and how he wishes he had more time with you. My heart is bleeding, son. I too wish I had more time with you. More time to exchange jokes and we laugh until our bellies hurt. More time to tell you how much I love you. More time to express how proud I am of you and see that million-dollar smile spread across your handsome face. But there is no more time.
I often ask God, “why?” You know? “Why my baby, why my son?” That’s just human nature. As a mom, all I ever wanted to do was nurture and protect you. As I sit here sobbing heavily over the memories we had, I realize this situation has taught me a major lesson. I don’t control life! I wish I could, but I don’t. If I had control, I would’ve saved you and protected you. The mental anguish I experience when I replay that fateful day in my head is enough to make me have to catch my breath! I constantly ask myself why I didn’t just walk with you to the train and follow you the entire way. But then I remember I simply wanted to give you space and allow you to spread your wings and soar. I expected you to come back to me like you always did in the past. My hands tremble like a leaf that withers from a tree, on a fall day, each time I come to write you a letter, but I calm my nerves and somehow get through it.
Many days people don’t see my tears, but my pillow does. It’s soaked wet some mornings because it’s caught my grief-stricken tears throughout the night. This shouldn’t even be happening right now. A mother should never have to bury her child! This isn’t how it’s supposed to go! And trust me, these letters aren’t here because I’m trying to put on a show or host a pity party. This is my way of showing others it’s OK to grieve a loved one, no matter the circumstance. I promise you Nygil, I will fight for you until I breathe my last breath. I will fight for those that went ahead of you and will work tirelessly to ensure not many more come behind you.
Life is different now Nygil. And unfortunately, I’ve had to accept that. What I won’t accept is silence. I will never be quiet. You see son, I thought I was a warrior before. But now, they have unleashed a beast. I will fight hard to honor you as the king and bright light you were. Every day my heart literally bleeds with frustration. So many questions, not enough answers. But I will use my broken and shattered heart to fight.
They didn’t know who you were, your significance in the spirit realm. They didn’t know they messed with a lioness of a mother who knows how to pray and war in the spirit. They didn’t know how much we were a part of each other and how much we are God’s anointed. The Bible states “Do not touch my anointed ones; do my prophets no harm.” Psalm 105:15 (NIV). They’ve messed with good people. And you can’t mess with good people.
Normally Nygil, I wouldn’t be this vulnerable and public with my agony. But now, I don’t care. All bets are off! I will fight for justice until I’m no longer here to fight anymore. If I have to be the chosen vessel to fully expose evil and corruption, so be it. I am not afraid.
I feel your presence often. I know you’re in heaven smiling and cheering me on. Change is coming, son! Your name will be known, felt, and honored across the nations. Thank you, son, for being an amazing child. Thank you, Father God, for loaning me one of your most precious angels, even if only for a short period of time.
Don’t worry, Nygil. I’m not backing down. I welcome the challenges to come because I know where my help comes from. I know who my source is. Life without Nygil. Let’s get ready to rumble!
The journey continues…